he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
