Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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