I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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