Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
The beer is more important than you right now.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
