The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
