He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
