Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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