So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
