i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
