I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I am naked and annoyed.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
