I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
