I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
