well I can't set my house on fire every night
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
