the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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