I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
