True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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