I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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