the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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