This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
