Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
