I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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