Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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