First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
