Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
