If that was your dad, he is hot
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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