I am puke
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
