My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
