These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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