I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
