I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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