I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
