Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
