we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
