Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
