Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
