you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
