I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize