somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Your dad touched me again.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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