listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
