I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
