Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
