Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
