chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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