I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
