you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
