dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
