Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
