Just fell off a train. Bad.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I love having hate sex.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
