God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
