Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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