I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
