you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
