Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
