It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
