I'm so fucking centered right now
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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