two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
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i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
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Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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