i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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