I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
