My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
