I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
