My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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