I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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