How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
